Tuesday, July 3, 2012


How are you doing? 

I still cringe when I am asked this question.  Don’t get me wrong.   I appreciate that anyone even cares enough to ask me how we are doing at this point.  But it still makes me cringe because  I'm forced to either lie and utter, "I'm good" or face reality by trying to define this mess of emotions.  I am better, but if I were honest I would tell you I’m not really all that well most of the time.

 I still hurt very badly.  I still struggle with food tasting good to me.  Most food tastes bitter or spoiled in my mouth.  Even foods that I used to love have lost their savor.  It’s hard to describe, but it’s like everything needs more salt, yet adding salt doesn’t bring back the flavor. I’d be curious to know if anyone who is grieving or has grieved has ever experienced this.  It’s bizarre.  

In addition to food being “off,” I still could burst into my ugly cry at any given moment.  I have no idea what brings on the tears.  The slightest thing can trigger tears.  Again, I never have been one to cry.  Prior to 1/30/12, I have actually gone months and years without even shedding one tear.  Really, to say such a thing shows the wonderful life with which I’ve been blessed. I still don’t understand the pain I am feeling.  I still worry that I will never feel “normal” again. 

As time goes on I do find that I have more good moments than bad ones.  I’m thankful for that.  I’ve noticed that most of the time the emotions are out of my control.  But there is a trend.  When I look around and think about my circumstances and all that I’ve lost in my son Brandon’s death, I have my very worst days.

Read Matthew 14:22-33 sometime if you have the chance.  This is the account of Jesus walking on water.  One thing that I noticed, that I had not noticed before I read this passage today, was that Peter ASKED Jesus to call him out of the boat.  It is important to note that Peter was the only disciple who asked God to call him out of the boat.  (The rest of the disciples were big chickens!!)  Peter says in verse 28, “Lord, if that is You, command me to come to you on the water.” Peter climbed out of the boat and also walked on water.   I believe by asking Jesus to call him out of the boat, Peter wanted Jesus to prove Himself to him.   I can relate to this because two years ago after reading the book Radical, I ASKED God to use me.  This is a scary prayer to pray and not many Christians will pray this prayer.  (Perhaps I lost my mind! Perhaps, the rest of you are big chickens!)  However, many times after that prayer, like Peter, I asked God to show Himself to me.  In His patience and mercy,  God did show Himself to us.  ONE example of MANY in our lives since then is the way in which God chose to give us Brandon through adoption and I believe through his adoption journey God used us like we never could have been used had we not adopted Brandon.  In His wisdom beyond my understanding, just 8 months later Brandon was gone. 

What is neat about this passage in Matthew is  that as long at Peter kept his eyes fixed on Jesus, he walked on water. He rose above the circumstance of the storm around him.  When Peter took his eyes off Jesus and focused on the wind and the storm, he would sink into the water.  What is even more amazing is that when Peter would call out for help, IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out His hand and took hold of Peter. 

As I have said, I have found that my worst days are those days that I am looking around at my circumstances, and focusing on how much I have lost and wondering how I will even make it through the day.  However, I have also noticed that on those days, if I have called out to God, He has IMMEDIATELY rescued me from my sadness.  He has given me joy and peace in the midst of the storm.  How?  He has shown Himself to me through nature.  A bird singing. A perfect, sunny day.  A baby laughing. A beautiful sunset. A brilliant rainbow.  He has shown himself to me through His people.  A letter in the mail.  A gift of money towards the adoption.  An email.  A loving smile.  He has shown Himself through His holy Word, the Bible like today discovering new things I’d never noticed before with this passage in Matthew. 

At the end of that passage it says that when Jesus got into the boat with Peter, the storm ceased and the disciples worshipped Him.  It’s so reassuring that if we chose to follow Jesus closely and obey His will, that even the storms of life will be calmed and we can sit back in awe and just worship Him. Never forget that God is so good and He is faithful to His children.  I’m so thankful for His love, compassion and patience with me.

 How am I doing?  I can honestly say that by the grace of God,  I am very well.  How are you?   

I have this picture framed in my office at work.  This is my 2-year-old Haley reaching for help from her strong Daddy.  I see it as a picture of Christ.  When we call out to Him, IMMEDIATELY He rescues us!


  1. I lost my daughter Sarah on April 21, 2012. She was 30 yrs. old. I miss her terribly. I am writing now with tears streaming down my face because today is one of those bad days. I have felt God's presence and strength and the prayers of many these past weeks and am immensely grateful for them. Through the power and grace of God I have had many good days and almost one full week without a bad day. The bad days come though and when they do, I feel like I haven't gained any ground. Some days I get so weary of persevering and I too feel like my life will never be "normal" again. I know tomorrow I'll probably feel better, because I think the tears clean out that stuff that is necessary for healing. I wonder will there ever come a day when I can just wake up and not immediately think Ok, another day, what will it be like?

    1. Hello, Sarah's mommy. Thank you for your comment and for sharing your heart. I believe I heard about your sweet daughter from my good friend Amanda. I've been praying for you. I truly think only a mother who has lost a child "gets" what I write about on this blog. You "get" what it is like to merely tolerate each day and to have to persevere. I believe a day will come again where the first thing you think about won't be Sarah and how much you miss her and the first thing I think about won't be Brandon and how I miss him! I have to believe it will. And sometimes it's okay to take it moment by moment, rather than by the whole day which can overwhelm us. I hope your day gets better! Love, C

  2. I have never lost a child after birth. I lost six babies through miscarriage, but I know I can never understand what you are feeling. I just want you to know that since my brother (who works at BBC) told me about your family the day after you all lost Brandon, not a day has gone by without my boys saying your family's name in prayer. I too do not miss a day of praying for your family.

    It is great that you have Jesus to lean on. I don't know how people without Jesus make it through hard times. When my husband was going through three types of Stage 4 cancer, God was the person who kept us going The prayers of so many people praying around the world was just incredible. Please know that you are being prayed for. I am amazed how your words help to speak to me even through your hard times. May the Lord continue to bless and comfort you.

  3. I am asking prayer for a sweet couple whose baby went to Heaven today around 3:30 PM. Their baby was born with many problems, but prayers had been going up around the world. The decision was made to unplug the respirator, and he went to Heaven one hour later. He is now "safe in the Arms of Jesus" as the hymn states. He is also with his grandmother who died in February after a short battle with cancer. Little Luke was only 19 days old. They are now beginning the same journey as your family. I pray that God will comfort you and this young couple. I cannot begin to realize the pain, but I pray that God will give your family and this family comfort as only He can.

    1. I saw about Little Baby Luke on Facebook and have been praying for the family. Each time I hear of a little one dying, (and I've heard about many since our Brandon died)I picture Brandon giving them a warm "Hello." He was so friendly with everyone. Little Luke and Brandon are probably having a wonderful time together!

    2. That is a sweet thought of Luke and Brandon together. Brandon probably told Luke, "Let me show you around". How wonderful to be able to know that loved ones are enjoying the pleasures of Heaven, and one day we will see them again!