Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Only A Dream

The first night without my boy was really tough.  I missed him thumping down the stairs with his pajamas all hiked up like Steve Urkel and his tiny size 8 white, undershirt.  We have no idea why that boy wouldn’t wear the undershirts that actually fit his growing body.  He somehow kept putting on the small ones.   Each night he’d wrap his arms around me and squeeze so hard I thought he’d break my ribs, followed by “I love you, Mommy!!”  Sometimes if we’d had a really fun evening together I’d get 3 or 4 hugs and a few more  “I love you Mommy’s” before he’d thump back up the stairs usually asking if he could play his Nintendo DSI for a little while longer.

While I was lying awake all night crying to the Lord, I begged for Him to give me some comfort. The first verse that came to mind from my childhood was “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come to him” Revelation 3:20.  Later on in the night I got to see a picture, or a dream of Someone knocking on an old door.  Brandon opened the door and his face lit up and he said, “Hey!!!!! I know you!  Mama and Papa tell me about You. Mr. Kellett tell me about You.  Pastor Sean. He tell me about You.  I see it in book at school.”  He was SO excited at Whoever was at that door.  He was looking back and me, pointing and saying “Look!” I acted unenthused.  I couldn’t see anyone.  The emotion was like the million times that he saw airplanes and was freaking out. Somehow I was never quite as excited as he was about the airplanes or helicopters.  He would freak out similarly if he saw someone driving down the road that he thought he knew.  (I didn’t usually look because I was trying not to run into anyone in front of me.) Admittedly, I actually wanted Brandon to stop freaking out about the door and let me sleep. The last thing I saw before I woke up was Brandon vigorously waving at me…like he used to wave at me from the soccer field…like he used to wave at me each morning when I dropped him off for school.  I waved back at him.  It was only a dream.  But I needed it and it comforted me greatly.

Please pray I get a good night’s rest this evening.  I have only slept a few hours since he’s passed.  My head is pounding.  I need rest.

Thank you, Lord, for the comfort that only You can give and for the amazing friends and family who are holding us up right now. 

18 comments:

  1. You don't know us, but my husband's friend posted a link to your blog on FB asking for prayer and have been praying for you ever since I found out earlier this evening.

    Words really can't express how my heart feels for you right now, but I pray that God would give you rest tonight and that He would wrap His arms around your precious family.

    How I long for the return of our Savior! May His peace be sweet.

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  2. My Dear Sweet Carinda...God blessed you by showing you that your little boy open THE DOOR ...that you can rest in the knowledge that he is with our precious Lord! One day you will all be together, again, to spend eternity with our God. Rest Dear one. Dear Heavenly Father, I ask that you hold our precious Carinda in your loving arms and give her rest. We know that it takes time to heal from such a great loss, but You have promised to be our Comforter and to walk with us through the valley of death. Hold her, Father. Let her rest and heal in your loving arms. Amen

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  3. Bless your heart, Carinda. Bless your heart.

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  4. When my dad was dying, I laid in bed many nights begging God for rest. A friend had texted me Psalm 91:4 ~ "He will cover you with his feathers; under his wing shall you find refuge." I would lay in bed and imagine the Lord pulling me close and imagine His big, strong feathered wing covering me, giving me the greatest hug that would never end. He was more than faithful everytime. I pray He covers you with His feathers tonight.

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  5. We will continue to pray and lift you. May our Lord continue to cradle your family as only He can. Kelly

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    1. My heart breaks for you. I will be praying for God's comfort to surround you at this difficult time. April

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  6. We are so very sorry and we will hold you up in prayer. May the Lord continue to bring comfort to your heart.

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  7. The Bible says, "For in You the fatherless finds mercy" (Hosea 14:3b) and "The LORD watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow" (Psalm 146:9) and "For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality nor takes a bribe. He administers justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the stranger, giving him food and clothing" (Deut 10:17-18) and again "A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, Is God in His holy habitation" (Psalm 68:5). I believe you and Tim were demonstrably God's justice and providence for Brandon while he was yet alive. You and Tim were a visible manifestation to Brandon in his latter that God had been father all along. Take heart in these things; God is not a whimsical God and God always remains true to His character and to His word. Trust in Him that He has accomplished His plans as a merciful defender and Father for Brandon and that He is still in the process of weaving the magnificent tapestry that the lives of you, Tim, and your family will be for Him one day! I trust you were sleeping when God woke me in the night to pray for you and your family. We love you all very much!

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  8. You donot know me, I use to go to Berean. My heart breaks for you , that you have to endure this horriable storm.. I as a mom cannot Imagine your pain, but I want you to know as a Christian, my heart is broken for you. I pray Jesus will hold you, I pray He will give you peace, and that you will know you are not alone, that people are standing in the Gap and praying for you..May God give you comfort in knowing ,you gave Brandon more love than some never get in their lifetime... Godbless you and your family... In Christ.. The Hughes family..

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  9. Carinda, earlier yesterday afternoon I asked my Tim about this. How could I help to not have my heart breaking for your family with your loss of a son and a brother. He calmly told meet that God has a plan. God's plan is like an integral puzzle. That you and Tim were blessed by God even if only for a few short months, to help God get that important piece of his puzzle. When your adoption journey began, it was not Brandon. God knew that it would be, you prayed, and he helped you to find this boy. You love this boy and you showed him the Lord. Tim then said, had it not been for all of this that none of us would have had our lives touched by your son nor his amazing journey.
    Carinda, Brandon's true journey has just begun. He now has God to guide his steps, where you may not be able to now. I find tears of joy reading of your dream. I pray that the vision you had in your slumber continues to help heal you and your family.
    We never had the pleasure of meeting your son, but I know you. I know Tim. I know your little girls and I can honestly tell you that you gave Brandon the world. Today, he looks down and is loving you all for eternity. You showed him the way, and he has peace.....forever.
    I pray for you daily. Comfort for you all. Kristen

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  10. We are praying for you here in Virginia. Mr Kellett is our son-in-law. He loves his classmates ..and he loved your son. We can't even imagine what you are all going through. May our great God comfort you at this time.
    Larry and Janet Daugherty

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  11. Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in Spirit." i do not even have the words to explain how much my heart hurts for you but I am praying continually that you are comforted and God be glorified. I love you!

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  12. I used to attend Berean with my parents and have not had the chance to ever meet you. However, I learned of this tragedy from a post on FB from a high school friend's page. As a mother, I cannot even begin to imagine the sorrow that your must feel right now. I hug my little ones a little tighter every night. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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  13. This song has been a blessing and I hope it encourages you too.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsXMiysZfNQ

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  14. I'm so grateful ~ I'll tell you why in a minute. You and I have probably passed many times in the halls of Berean. You're family has been on my heart all week. Many whispered prayers have been sent home for your comfort. Thank you soooo much for sharing your journey. From your adoption to today. I feel like a determined reader, trying to catch up on a really great story.
    Adoption has played a large role in our family. I'm the sister-n-law of Tiffany DuBois, BTW. Josh DuBois and I have a little sister in California who's adoption of her two sons played a role in reuniting us with my elder sister, 43 years later... Anyway, that's not why I'm grateful to you. I'm grateful, because your journey has reminded me of the joy we experienced when my big sister was found, and when my nephews became apart of our family. Thank you. The life journey you share has effected many in a variety of ways. I find it interesting how the Lord is weaving us altogether.
    Sweet Dreams and Many Blessings
    Jeni

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  16. Tim & Carinda,

    I have written a blog post in response to this, which I hope will be an encouragement to you and many others. You may read it here:

    http://chokmah.wordpress.com/2012/02/04/heart_of_salvation/

    Bryan Schlundt

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  17. I have just found out about this and I cannot stop crying. I am praying for your family and I am so grateful you know Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine going through this without Him. I pray He continues to comfort you and I thank Him for giving you this dream. I will continue to pray for your family and that He keeps giving you the peace that only can come from Him.

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