This morning as I walked past the picture of his gleaming face just like I’ve done thousands of times before, I traced my finger against the outline of his handsome cheek. I imagine, yet again, what it felt like to run my fingers through his thick, blond hair and the way he would turn slightly red and say bashfully, “Ma-ma” when I did. I can’t believe I’ve made it now 8 ½ months without him. 8 ½ months was the exact amount of time I shared with him on earth.
I looked down at my blouse and shivered as I remembered I’d inadvertently put on the same blouse today that I wore “that” day—the day that my life tragically changed forever. I couldn’t stand to have the blouse on all day, so I changed.
The 8 ½ months I got to spend with him seemed to fly by so quickly, yet these 8 ½ months without him seem to drag on relentlessly. Many days I have felt the pessimism of Ecclesiastes 2:17, “Therefore I hated life, because the work that is here under the sun is grievous to me; for all is vanity and like striving after wind…..for all my days are sorrows, and my work produces grief (v 23).”
Every time that I vacuum the floor, I can’t help but realize more of his precious DNA is gone. Every airplane that flies overhead inflicts the pain of knowing he’s not there to point it out to me. Every song on the radio he loved, and those that were played at his funeral seem to torture me and bring his death back to the forefront of my mind. Every single time I see a blond boy about his size in the distance, instinctively, I stare and wish it was my blond boy. There are days I start and they do not go the way I’d hoped and because of my continual grief, circumstances seem so much worse than they really are. Every time that I dream about him at night, I wish I’d never woken. As in the movie Tangled it says, “And for that moment everything was perfect. Then that moment ended.” I felt like those 8 ½ months were the most happy and “perfect” I have every felt in all of my life.
I have to be SO careful with my thought life these days because the Bible says, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers and rulers of darkness.” I am not physically involved in a quarrel or wrestling with any people that I know of right now in my life. However, I feel a continual battle around me. I believe it is because demons and rulers of darkness would love nothing more than to render me useless for the cause of Christ. What better way to destroy an entire person than to steal way God-given joy, because of the death of my beloved child? Allowing my mind to linger back to all that I’ve lost and all that I feel inside is not edifying. In fact, it is self-centered. Put plainly, it is sin.
I’m so broken and so wounded, yet I still have so much more to give to this world. My heart’s desire is to serve Him every single day and for the rest of my life. Though I’m weak and weary, I can still pray. Most evenings that I lay awake crying, I begin praying for the needs of others. Here are some of the things that I pray for:
· My unsaved family members. I beg God to open their eyes so they can clearly see Jesus Christ is their only hope of eternal life. Apart from Christ, they will spend eternity in Hell. I love my family members so dearly. I can’t bear the thought of them dying and going to such an awful place forever.
· My unsaved friends. I pray they will be drawn to something more than this life has to offer—that they will be able to see their desperate need for Christ.
· My country, my President, the upcoming elections
· The orphans all over the world. That more Christian families would be burdened to adopt. That NOTHING (not fear, not money, not time or any other excuse) will stand in the way of complete and utter obedience to God in the call to adopt.
· The sick, the lonely, the elderly, the unborn
· Those blinded by false religion
· The missionaries, the persecuted Christians
· The military members and their families
· The grieving and heartbroken people around the world
· The pastors of my church and their families
· My 4 babies fast asleep in their beds, for their salvation, that they will walk with Him all of their lives, that they will never doubt God’s love for them, for their future spouses
· My husband and all his responsibilities at work, at church and in the home
I absolutely love John 15 because it is such an encouragement to me to keep getting up every day, to keep moving forward and to keep serving Him with any ounce of strength that I can. I’d like to encourage those of you who are reading this blog and experiencing grief of your own, to simply endure…and when every other strand of strength is gone, just pray for others.
”Abide (remain, endure) in Me, and I will remain in you…He who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love….These things I have spoken to you, so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.”