I’m going to tell you a little
secret. Here it goes….I HATE Kylie’s sneakers. Sorry.
This confession probably means I’m not the coolest, hippest mom in the
world. I don’t know why I hate them so
much…..Perhaps they’re a little too “gangster, hip-hoppy” something for my
taste. I think they’re plain, old ugly. Where does she get her style? Besides, they are A LOT of work to put
on. I’m more of a flip flops
kind-of-girl. It takes this child like a
year to lace these things. Last Fall she
tried these shoes on and I said no to her getting them.
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| Oh, her style! Hate the shoes, love her HEART for God!! |
Parents,
administrators and any one in authority over any child or teen, I ask you, why do you set the rules that you
do? Why do you say “no” as often as you
do? Is it because you like control or to
exercise your authority? Is it some kind
of power trip? Are your concrete rules
based on your own preferences or agenda?….OR is it because the rules help the
subordinate to become more like Christ?
When our son Brandon first came to
the States from Ukraine we had to fight him every Sunday to put him in a shirt,
tie, dress pants and belt for church. He
wasn’t aggressive with his dislike for “church clothing.” I could just tell by
his fake smile and body language that he really HATED the way he looked in
them. He was more a jeans kind of
guy. After a few weeks of putting him in
something clearly he hated, we finally decided, “What difference does it make
what he wears to church?” In fact, we buried our son purposefully in jeans, NO
BELT and sneakers.
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| Brandon's fake smile. This Mama knew he hated his clothing |
As a child myself who grew up in a
fundamental, Baptist environment and one who upon graduation at 17 WALKED AWAY
from the faith for a few years, I tell you plainly: Rules without a REASON
breeds REBELLION and/or Rules without a RELATIONSHIP breeds REBELLION.
When it comes down to it, I do not
care what style shoes our kids wear. It
does not matter what COLOR their socks are, or if there is a belt around their
waists. It does not matter if I do or do
not prefer what they are wearing, as long as it is modest and the Holy Spirit
would approve of the content on their garments.
What I care about is their
HEARTS. I do not want my babies to
experience the bitterness and rebellion that I went through. I made a lot of poor choices that I will
always regret. I want to know more about
their actions and attitudes. Are they living two different lives—a squeaky clean,
rule book life on one side and a sneaky rebellious life on the other side? Are they a true follower of Christ?
I read a book about Jonathan Edwards
that I took notes from regarding Five Signs of True Followers of Christ (I wish
I’d written down the title of the book).
Here they are:
1.
A true follower HAS a genuine and
obvious LOVE FOR JESUS
2.
A true follower of Christ HATES SIN
3.
A true follower LOVES GOD’s WORD
4.
A true follower LOVES TRUTH
5.
A true follower LOVES OTHER BELIEVERS
Notice, there is nothing there that
says anything about appearance or clothing colors. When Brandon died, and I was questioning his
conversion, I didn’t think about his appearance or clothing. I wanted to know did he LOVE JESUS, HATE SIN,
LOVE GOD’s WORD, LOVE TRUTH and LOVE OTHERS???
And the answer to all of the above is YES, he did!
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| Written in Brandon's journal "I like Jesus" |
I would caution anyone in authority
from focusing too much on appearance and rules just for the sake of having
rules. Tim and I led a 6th
grade “pre-youth group” back in Florida.
I will tell you the students that looked the sharpest and talked the sweetest
to your face were the ones who were the most wild behind the scenes. In my own youth group while I was a teen, the
youth pastor’s favorite students who “looked the part” were the ones
fornicating down stairs in the church basement.
Tim and I have chaperoned high school students before, and the most
well-liked, smooth talking, squeaky-clean- on-the-surface, rule-following
students are the ones who have walked away from the church.
So anyway, Kylie has wanted these
sneakers for over a year. I finally
caved. I realized I had absolutely no
reason to tell her no to the shoes other than my own personal disdain for the
looks of them. What is most important to
me is that Kylie made a decision for Christ and there is evidence in her life
that shows she is following Him. Her
Bible has an underline in purple pencil, “Your Word have I hidden in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11.
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| This is Kylie's Bible opened up to Psalm 119, with the purple pencil underlining "Thy Word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against You." |
Parents, Authority figures, I
recommend what Matthew 23 teaches, “First clean the inside of the cup and dish,
and then the outside will also be clean.” In other words, worry first about the
hearts of the children, and the rest will hopefully fall into place. Finally, maybe consider sacrificing your own
personal tastes or opinions so you do not give a foothold to bitterness in the
lives of those children.
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| There's my oldest girl and boy in their favorite jeans!! |
Great post. We just started our daughter at private school and she keeps asking to wear zebra headbands etc. and I of course tell her no, dress code, etc. "But everyone else does" and I feel bad for saying no. What do you do if there is a dress code? What do you say when they are clearly pretty lax with the rules? I want to teach her to follow the rules even if no one else is. But I also hate saying no all the time.
ReplyDeleteMy daughters have also asked for shoes like your daughters and I say no too, so kudos to you for finally saying yes. 5 tween girls from Ukraine, their style is less than modest. We're working on them.
If your private school allows zebra headbands, I'd go ahead an allow your daughter to wear zebra headbands. Our kids have a uniform they must wear. If they are allowed to and want to wear zebra headbands, we let them. It's their own expression of style and preference. If it is something as you mentioned "less than modest" we would say no, but our reason is to honor God, or so that a man/boy isn't looking at them in a wrong kind of way. We have 3 tween girls and I know how hard it is to find modest clothing that we as parents along with our daughters all agree upon, so we are learning not to sweat the smaller things like shoes, socks or headbands. Thank you for your comment. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree. I have seen so many times kids acting as if they were all goody-goody and following all the rules, but secretly they had they dirtiest most God-dishonoring lives. Our boys don't wear belts unless their pants are about to fall off or when they go to church. It is not that they don't want to. I have just never made it a rule.I have never told them to tuck in their shirt unless we go to church. I guess I should, but mine is not tucked in as I sit here typing. I have seen so many people pick on the little things that they forget about God who should be at the top of everything we do. We should always be modest, like you said. So many people worry about the "speck" in a person's eye when they have a "beam" in their own eye. We do not want to drive our children away from God by being "nit picky". Thank you for pointing out yet again the importance of things in our lives. You always do is so beautifully. May the Lord continue to bless your family.
ReplyDeleteWell said. Can I ask how come you walked away from your faith, and more importantly, how you came back?
ReplyDeleteI don't like this style, either, but my Kye wants them too. There are two girls I would buy these for (Kylie and Lilly) and two girls I would say "no" to (Oksana and Emily). For me, it comes down to the attitude they have about themselves (looking cool) once they put it on. Oksana was adopted 4.5 yrs ago and is doing much, MUCH better now. I let her wear many "cool" things but she knows that she ALWAYS has to wear a tank top underneath those "cool" tops. Emily - no way, no how. In fact, I just went through her closet and took away any piece of clothing that I knew made her feel "cool" on the inside and that's all she focused on, to be "cool/popular". That's just to answer your question as to why I would say "no". :) Always trying to have them focus on their heart, not their appearance. :)
ReplyDelete